Tleilaxu
Tleilaxu is a member of Neo-Gotei 13 and a Captain Candidate for Division 4. 'Appearance' Telielaxu is the bishiest bishie in all of Neo-Gotei and does not at all resemble the troll face in any way! He usually wears a normal Shinigami Shihakushō unless he's running around naked. 'Personality' Tleilaxu, or Tleil, as his friends and frenemies call him, is a prankster who's always picking on others. His favorite person to torment is Yuuki-san but any woman who's a loli or has decent oppai or a nice ass is subject to his tormenting. Though he has challengers in theLevinsnake and Soul King Sarun, Tleil is officially the perviest perv in Neo-Gotei. However, when his wife Retsu Unohana, is present, he is a perfect gentleman for fear that she may misinterpret the situation and take action accordingly. Finally as has been pointed out by the other captains, Tleilaxu, is a rather boring person who does not often fight back, this is due to his love of peace and hatred of conflict, despite his antics towards other in and out of the gotei, Tleilaxu would never try to deliberately hurt someone with his pranks, and values peace and tranquility above all else. (After all one cannot enjoy the "finer things" in a wartime situation.) 'Relationships' Little is known about how Tleilaxu and Unohana met each other, or the reason why the normally reserved Retsu would even marry such a person as Tleilaxu in the first place, or how she puts up with his "hyper-ecchiness". Making things difficult is the fact that neither Retsu nor Tleilaxu talk about the beginning their relationship much, even among friends.(Though they will happily give non-intimate details out such as the cruise ship fiasco) From what little evidence remaining it is theorized that they somehow met each other before the assault of the Vandenreich and the resulting turmoil it caused, however their marriage was not announced to after the old Soul King was overthrown and Sarun took his place. 'El3v3n' Tleil was one of the first Shinigami to befriend El3v3n when she joined Neo-Gotei. "Befriend" being a very loose term considering their tumultuous relationship. El3v3n finds Tleil to be witty and funny making him one of her favorite people in Neo-Gotei. While this is certainly true much more can be said about the relationship between these two, in fact recent documents, stolen from the Royal Palace during the criminally neglectful watch of TheLevinsnake reveal that the relationship between Tleilaxu and El3v3n is filled with enough twists and turns to be featured in a tragic romance and 50 Shades of Grey novel, however the information here is better written and more interesting by all accounts. The Early Days: ''' The records reveal little about how Tleilaxu first met El3v3n but the archives indicate that they had known each other well before Soul Society was even formed ,during the “Time of Chaos” when the various worlds were stricken with constant warfare. It is likely they met on the battlefields and were quickly impressed by each other. Together they embarked on Crusades of Epic Win and Randomness, thoroughly cleansing all that stood against them, some of the favored tactics employed by these two were burning down villages to make s'mores, poisoning wells with Mountain Dew and unleashing relentless torrents of win and awesome upon their hapless foes. Their Win Crusades did not go unnoticed, Sarun, the future Spirit King begged El3v3n and Tleilaxu to help him put Soul Society back into order. Given the prowess of the “Win Couple” it did not take them long. The Spirit King offered both a spot in the Royal Guard which El3v3n quickly accepted, however Tleilaxu refused, while disappointed El3v3n understood the holy mission that Tleilaxu had to under take. '''The Modern Days(Before the Gotei reboot): '''After a several year absence Tleilaxu returned to the Soul Society and was reunited with an ecstatic El3v3n. He revealed that the Oppai realm had to be cleansed of all who had been unclean and the work was not suitable had to be undertaken alone since it was his realm, however with peace returned Tleilaxu could find time to spend with his comrades. It was during this time that Tleilaxu and El3v3n’s relationship really took off, to the point that other couples were jealous of the close relationship they shared. People were often referring to them as “love birds” and the “lovey dovey couple” and rumor has it that even the Spirit King himself was touched by their relationship. Rumors of a marriage were in the air as well and the Gotei was abuzz with anticipation of an epic wedding. Sadly this was never to be. Unbeknownst to them many disasters were taking place in the living world that threatened the very survival of the human species. The Scientists of Soul Society were stumped as to the cause of these seemingly random events until they noticed a coincidence. These ALWAYS occurred when El3v3n and Tleilaxu disappeared and ended when they returned from whatever it was they were “doing”. The Spirit King had to then regretfully inform them they could not get married. Having two opposite types of Awesome and Win in such close proximity and violated the laws of the universe and was directly responsible for these calamities, furthermore the Soul Society scientists concluded that a child begotten by El3v3n and Tleilaxu would contain so MUCH WIN that the universe would implode and explode in a giant spasm of win.(Known as the Big Win Theory) He then went on to mention the various lives lost due to the random weather patterns, certain ships not being able to set sail or sinking at the docks(Ironically Tleilaxu x El3v3n) while others were propelled with such force that they became weapons,(Such as the ship Yuuki x Lunar which killed several hundred people) and even inter-dimensional torrents of win streaming down into the living world and creating certain people such as George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Winston Churchill and the Great Ancestors of Kurosaki Ichigo. Touched by the deep sadness that the lovey dovey pair displayed when they heard the news the Soul King offered to introduce them to possible marriage candidates that they would find to be merely compatible.(Since when one is exposed to the best all the rest are not as great) This was how Aizen Souske and Unohana Retsu met their future partners. With the “win crisis” averted The Soul King could focus on more important things like browsing the massive porn library that was founded by Tleilaxu and El3v3n. '''Before the Pr0napocalypse: Before the mighty Pronapocalypse wiped out the three realms things had taken a positive turn for these two. Their marriages had begun to actually flourish, which gave the impression to the current Gotei members that El3v3n and Tleilaxu were just merely friends and that nothing serious had taken place between them. They maintain the current relationship that everyone has seen, the rough and tumble “win pair” and their antics continue sometimes cause trouble for Soul Society, such as the burning down of the entire Seireitei to make s'mores and sing campfire songs, and just simply instigating general mayhem. Often with Unohana and Aizen just standing there with a dumbstruck look on their faces. Or in one extreme case Unohana was seen dragging Tleilaxu off by the ear after he glomped and groped El3v3n in front of a few other Gotei members. Aizen just stood their stoically. Though some maintain to this day that he did in fact say “Just as planned.” after they left. After Tleilaxu became a Royal Guard member it would have become easier for people would have been able to possibly see a another side of the “win pair’s” relationship however the records released would have confirmed their suspicions. Tleilaxu built his Royal Palace right next to El3v3n’s and had it connect with hidden passageways and Mountain Dew fountains. However El3v3n seemed reluctant to allow Aizen to spend much time at Tleilaxu’s Palace due to the fear that Tleilaxu’s perviness would rub off in him, and indeed this seems to have been confirmed as one day El3v3n and Unohana walked in on Tleilaxu and Aizen staring at the royal maids, Aizen using his zanpaktou to make it seem like they were wearing clothes when in fact they were walking around and preforming their duties naked. They were last seen running off with a furious Unohana and El3v3n in pursuit while muttering, “This was NOT just as planned.” Sarun was bemused. More than Shinigami? ''' Recent events have even hinted that El3v3n may in fact be more than just a shinigami. In one incident of mayhem in which a rocket propelled grenade was fired at El3v3n (Likely by the Penis Waving Vagabond Soulslayer, whom now goes by the name Soulie) bounced harmlessly off El3v3n’s oppai, leading Tleilaxu to remark that El3v3n’s Oppai were “God Tier“, to which El3v3n had replied that Tleilaxu’s Oppai Sense were “RG level.” Well as it turns out strong oppai like this are trademarks of the dreaded seirei of oppai, or Breast Fairy. The newly released documents have shown that despite the cute name seirei of oppai(Breast Fairies) are nothing to be laughed at, and are in fact the chosen ones employed by the Chichigami to guard the Oppai Realm, which coincidently El3v3n is the only person to have spent time on the Oppai Realm. Another weapon that the Seirei of oppai like to employ is an “Oppai Beam” in which a condensed beam of reiatsu is fired from the oppai and decimates anyone caught in the path of it. While it is unknown in El3v3n possesses such an ability people would do well to be careful around her, as Tleilaxu as remarked that a “reiatsu of great power resides in El3v3n’s oppai.” '''After the Pr0napocalypse: Fortunately for El3v3n and Tleilaxu, the Pronapocalypse wiped out further records that could be embarrassing to them. However it is likely that these two will continue on like nothing serious has happened, since they themselves have already caused similar incidents elsewhere. A final note: The person whom published these documents has since been found dead, his house burnt down with a s'more placed on the smoldering remains, himself hung from a tree by pink boxers and a Mountain Dew can shoved somewhere that is best not mentioned, may this be a cautionary lesson for those whom contemplate leaking more information on this couple. Nerveless his death was not in vain and now everyone can see the true beauty that is the relationship between El3v3n and Tleilaxu. More shocking events: Recent events have shaken the Gotei 13 to the very core. A child of El3v3n and Tleilaxu has been found. Apparently the Pr0napocalypse opened a rift in the dimensions and allowed their long lost son to return. According to Twan he "has little recollection of his birth or life with his parents and merely "woke up" with a zanpaktou in one hand and a massive ecchi collection in the other." This would coincide perfectly with the current theory that Tleilaxu and El3v3n easily break the known laws of the universe, especially when "messing" around. And thus it is quite possible that a child could be conceived by these two, be born into a different universe and then suddenly return to the universe where he was conceived in. It is rumored that Twan's Birth may have caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, however given the fact that Tleilaxu and El3v3n were unaware that they had even made a child in the first place, this cannot be confirmed. Another fact that lends credence to the claims that Twan is a child of these two is his extreme love for ecchi and his ability to create a win thread from instinct. Only a child of the Chichigami and a Seirei of Oppai could result in such win from someone who had recently entered into the Seireitei. It remains to be seen how the "Win Pair" will cope with the return of their love child but one thing can be assured, much hilarity and oppai pics will ensue. 'History' He burnt shit down, along with the wonder twinis:' '[[Lelouch Zero|'Lelouch Zero',]]' El3v3n', and a few others in order to make campfires, s'mores and do other random things, only the 12th barracks was spared. 'Abilities' X Ray vision, the ability to calculate a woman's three seizes at a glance, and can talk to breasts. However his most feared ability, among women, is Dress Break, in which Tleilaxu can strip a attractive woman's clothing completely with one touch. 'Zanpakutō' Gyakusatsu Kōjo (虐殺皇女) "Massacre Princess" Description: Typical Zanpaktou with a white hilt and black wrappings. Shikai Comamand: "Slaughter them all Massacre Princess." The independent materialization command is "Shikai!" Description: Looks very similar to Ichigo's unreleased Zangetsu, except its jet black and appears to be covered in velvet, however those are small barbs allowing one to "shave" an opponent, and if stabbed into cause extreme pain and damage as it is pulled back out. It also does not reflect light or cast a shadow. Shikai *Has the ability to tear out the "soul" of a living human and consume it, which gives it a boost in power in proportion to how strong the person's soul was. When used on "spiritual" beings it absorbs their reiatsu on contact and tears a portion away when contact is ended. Can devour them as well if their reiatsu runs out. Special Abilities: Does not reflect light nor cast a shadow, and can also change shape depending on what the "owner" wishes. Also if picked up by anyone other than "me", or someone who I authorized to carry it, spikes will shoot out of the hilt and impale the person, while draining their reiatsu. Can also return to the side of her wielder without being given a command.(Still in sword form) Lastly it can use very basic directed energy attacks, however these are not very strong as "her" specialties lay elsewhere. The most dangerous ability of this Zanpaktou is her ability to materialize herself and fight independently of her wielder and is the only zanpaktou that will live on if her master dies. Though she can also be materialized for non combat situations as well. Bankai: None. In exchange for being able to materialize and fight independently of her master Bankai cannot be achieved. Physical Manifestation: A grey skinned (highly attractive) woman with C cup breasts, and flaming red hair with black "highlights". Is around 5 foot 8 inches. Clothed in a one piece black dress that cuts off slightly above the knees, with human bones as ornaments. Shows a moderate amount of cleavage. Personality: Despite appearances Gyakusatsu Kōjo is level headed in and out combat situations, when outside of combat she is rather playful and mischievous, and slightly perverted, and has a crush on women that have larger breasts than she does. Aside from that she is easy going and others would consider her a welcome addition to a party or simply a good friend, and also good for a laugh. Though she does not show her perverted side to many, only to a select few and in certain situations. The inner world: The inner world surprisingly is a picturesque pine forest landscape that borders on a large lake, however if either she or her wielder is upset it changes into a charred wasteland with rivers of blood punctuated with broken white pillars, also dripping with blood. 'Trivia' 'Quotes' *"Thread needs more oppai!" Category:Royal Guard Category:Division 0 Category:Captains Category:Division 4 Category:Shinigami Category:Character profiles